I think I spent too much life ignoring myself. Truthfully, for much of my life I lacked an element of sincerity because I always wanted my story to be bigger than it was. In kindergarten, for instance, I lied about sliding down the fireman pole during a field trip to the fire station. There are many other instances proving my need to be bigger than I was. I relate much of my need to a pretty knocked out confidence issue in light of my handicap Spina Bifida. It's sad to reveal these things because as I do, one must also realize how many ways I've been blessed in the family I grew up with, the amazing wife I've privileged to be with, and the friends I enjoy and love. But most of all Spina Bifida has blessed me and others! What about my blessings did I need to be bigger than they were--a question for the ages I suppose? Before you get all boo-hoo and break out the mini-violin, let me assure you that I'm not writing anything to get it off my chest. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I don't...that sort of describes human kind. All I wanted you to know is that I had so often wanted a story that was bigger than myself that I wasn't aware of who I had become and how great of a life that meant for me. I became a gullible pushover...loveable but gullible...wicked effin gullible. But in the mean time I played ball, sang in choirs, traveled the country...good good stuff.
It's taken awhile, but these days I wake up in the morning and I want to be Rick, that's it. It's not like that happened just yesterday. My eyes have been more open for years now. As Rick I can sit down and write some poetry, lick up some Whiskey, sip some Wine, I can mentor people, build a deck, I can enjoy great things with my friends, I can try to start a business, ride a bicycle or scooter or motorcycle, I can play guitar, I can study Scripture, tell a few jokes and I can roll a little cookie dough. Some days, I wake up and I'm lazy, I can't think straight, I'm sore and a little pissed off. I'm not necessarily good with that, but I wake up me.
Today I used up a little gas and took a cool motorcycle ride. Not everything works right for me. Sometimes I feel like a curse and sometimes a blessing. But a little motorcycle ride opens my world right up.
Last September Monique and I vacationed in Yellowstone. We woke up each morning and discovered the true meaning of honesty. All we had to do was spread our arms and be thankful.
I'm a lot more like that these days than I used to be. Thankful I mean. And I'm good with my own story. It's not big. But it is great.
Oh yes...This post needs one more thing. I am intensely thankful for Monique. She is a bright star. A separation from her would be like ripping skin from my body.
I am profoundly thankful for her and I am profoundly thankful that I get to keep my skin.
Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving
5 comments:
Mark: I read this last night and wanted to respond right away. But the more I thought, the more I wanted make sure what I say came out right and that you will know I mean it.
Seems to me it takes a real big man to admit he isn’t that big of a man. When the truth be told we are all pretty small people in the grand scheme of things. As long as a man wakes up and know what he is, rather then what he wants to make believe it is, the father ahead of the curve on the road to happiness he is.
From where I sit you seem pretty big. I can’t build a deck but I can roll cookie dough. I can’t write a poem but I can fix a car. I’m okay with that. Because I know I have friends who can if I need their help. Friends, family and the many wonderful people in my life is what I’m thankful for. They are the ones that make me feel big enough.
As far as the motorcycle goes. Funny how that works huh? I feel bad for people that never find that kind of “release” in their lives. To find that “thing” that regardless of how bad things get they can always go for that one thing and find some relief and some clarity to the problem. Motorcycles are that one thing for me. Ten minutes in to the ride it hits me that it really is just a small thing and I will figure out and fix it.
fasthair
So, it is like the first breath of the day;
It is the knowledge of being yourselves, yes, plural!
After looking at the way things are on this earth, here’s what I’ve decided is the best way to live: Take care of yourself, have a good time, and make the most of whatever job you have for as long as God gives you life. And that’s about it. That’s the human lot.
Oh yah, we should make the most of what God gives, both the bounty and the capacity to enjoy it. Accepting what’s given and delighting in the work this is God’s gift! (The Message -Ecclesiastes) Some editing --mine
"Big Enough" is the story of contentment fasthair. And you're both right. Thinking introspectively, sometimes memory isn't the only blessing we lose when we leave history and engage in only what's applicable for today. I think the best way to tend to what we've been given is to know my story comprehensively. Hindsight is not always 20/20 as the story goes. But, I have to know where I came from to know how profoundly my life has been built over time.
I love your stories and poetry, don't give it up. Keep growing. Keep being content with who you are That is how God created you.
Joel and I are thankful to be your friends and we are thankful for who you are as well. You may not always seem great in your own eyes, but that is the joy of knowing Christ: we are always great in his eyes because of his love and mercy. But he also is always pushing us to be better, because of that love and mercy.
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